In my face and invading my space

So, every once in a while, when I feel like I might be getting my act together, Jesus gets in my face and invades my space. If you think you know me, you might not realize how uncomfortable this is for me. But it totally is.

I am so willing for Him to use me to speak to others that you would think I would welcome these very personal times of specific revelation from those who speak truth into my life. I think my fear often gets the better of me. However, the Word tells me I was not given a spirit of fear that makes me a slave again to fear, but I received a spirit of sonship from which I may cry out…Daddy. (Romans 12:8)

Which, of course, brings me to my life verse. A verse that has been with me for many years (18 to be exact). Isaiah 41:13 “For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.'” There have been times in my life where this verse has brought comfort and guidance and a myriad of other blessings. But the longer I live with it the closer it gets to my heart. And therein lies my struggle.

While i do wear a certain amount of my emotions on my sleeve and seem relatively willing to share that with people in my life, I only let that go so far. There is a whole other level that I keep carefully tucked away…you see that’s what abuse will do to you. I have a great front, very open and loud and full of life and love, but no one really gets in to that other place. Because that’s where the power to hurt lives.

So as Jesus carefully sands away at the stone of my defenses, I get very nervous. You see…in this part of my life, He doesn’t come at me with a wrecking ball, or a sledge hammer or even a chisel. He knows I wouldn’t stand still for that…but He comes quietly, in the most unexpected ways, with a piece of sand paper and slowly rubs away what I’ve worked so hard to build up around my heart. It’s terrifying…and beautiful at the same time.

He speaks soft words of life, truth, encouragement…things that build up my tender, broken heart. Words I’ve decided are for everyone around me, but not for me. Truth that I had given up on. Guiding me, ever so gently, out into the open. I’m not there yet, but I can see it ahead of me. I know I can see it because my gut instincts are telling me I’m way past the point of needing to run and hide. And it is taking everything in me…and more, to push ahead.

But today, I will. Today, at the very least, I will not turn around. I will not run away. Even if the most progress I make today is to stand right here and allow Jesus to be in my face…invading my space…

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