The reality of recurrence

Why is it sometimes so much easier to clearly see God’s direction and leading in the lives of those who are close to you…? I sometimes think that God wonders if I’m listening to what He is having me say to them. Like through the combination of what I see going on, the way I see the Lord leading & what He’s saying in His Word I am equipped with the answers I’m looking for myself.

I’m not sure why this is and even as I sit here and analyze it I’m not sure I get it yet. I want clean, neat, clear, concise direction from God because I don’t want to be out of His will for my life. But often I feel like His answers or direction are ambiguous.

I learned something about myself this weekend. It is still…even after years of restoration & recovery…very hard for me to really trust another person.

I hadn’t thought about trust much, but this last week has been all about my thoughts on things & how that affects my interactions with others. I got a really big dose of this reality in my life last night…and it scared me

I haven’t felt these very familiar, very crushing feelings in a long time. It’s like the room gets bigger & louder and I get smaller & more quiet. I don’t shut down into silence…this is a much more damaging way of shutting down. If you’ve known me for 5 min. (when I’m not feeling this way) you would probably categorize me as an extroverted energetic person. When this overcomes me, however, my demeanor couldn’t be more opposite. I’m soft, weak, quiet, unassuming, hoping I can just melt into the floor. My muscles tense up so much my body aches, but I smile in a calm collected way…a plastic smile I put on for the rest of the world. A smile I hate, for I am anything but calm and I want to do anything but smile.

This is the part where my defenses from years of psychological and emotional abuse rise up & take over. And it scares me…because I thought I was past it all. Able to just be me, no matter the circumstances. The hard part is filtering through it all and deciding if the circumstances were the cause, or a feeling of vulnerability…my emotional scars laid open for all to see.

I think that is the hardest part. Anyone with scars will tell you the last thing they want in the world is for them to be seen. That’s the catch though…how do you define when an emotional scar is exposed? A physical scar is where it is. That doesn’t make it better…it just makes it different. I’m discovering that there are situations and sometimes people that have the ability to uncover the emotional scar.

That is hard, when it is done out of love…paralyzing, when it is not.

What I learned this weekend is that…in some ways I’ll never know every situation or person that will evoke those defenses in me…and which are healthy and which are unhealthy before it happens. The growth comes in responding with the strength of Christ in me not to morph to that which is completely other. The internal struggle is immense. The flipping of that switch represents all those years of heartache and a complete misrepresentation of who I’ve been created to be & I don’t like it.

Unlike other days, I don’t have a neat little resolving paragraph. Because these thoughts still have some very loose ends. I want to respond differently. I want God to continue to work in me to overcome this response. So the desire is there…that is good. I know I still do this, so I need to revisit some things…that’s good. But the rest is still out there waiting to be resolved. And what I have experienced is…the reality of recurrence.

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