I’ve been flooded by revelation in the last few weeks. Some coming from processing Catalyst, an amazing conference I went to; some from an honest voice that pierces my heart with Truth; and some from books, not the least of which is the Bible. It’s been a bit overwhelming actually. Not more than I can handle…like I discussed yesterday, but definitely more than I expected.
The most recent being a core issue I have with relationship. I’ve been trying to understand my reactions to those around me, in all parts of my life, for some time now. Touching here and there on what I can define and trying to work through it the best I know how. But last night, in a very real and difficult way, I discovered the heart of the matter.
I do not know my place.
In a relationship, whether it be with friends, co-workers, family, a significant other…I don’t know how I fit. I’m not sure the place I have is a place I can keep, even with Jesus. I’m not sure how to rest in the value I am told that I have…I’m afraid I’ll loose it. I’m afraid I’ll screw something up.
Most of this has been very unconscious and under the surface. I think I’ve finally been able to unearth it because of some very difficult words that were spoken to me in love a month or so ago. I’m sitting across from a very dear friend and she looks me in the eye and says…”Laura, at some point, you just didn’t choose Jesus.” There was a long conversation that followed, where I began to dig deeper into myself than I ever cared to before. It began a very real journey that has been difficult and amazing at the same time. A journey that has led me to a cherished sisterhood I never thought possible.
And here I sit…with some very real rubble around my heart, wondering if I have what it takes to
know my place…
and own it…
and rest in it…
And honestly, I’m scared. I want to, more than I could ever begin to express. I have no reason not to believe these two amazing women who are speaking grace, hope, mercy, truth and love like never before. I know in my head I have no reason not to trust Jesus. That He tells me I am His daughter…His precious one.
So, now, one day at a time…hour by hour…moment by moment, I cling to this thought from Isaiah 42:2-4
He will not shout or cry out,
or raise His voice in the streets.
A bruised reed He will not break,
and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out.
In faithfulness He will bring forth justice;
He will not falter or be discouraged
till He establishes justice on earth.
In His law the islands will put their hope.”
until I know my place…