So, here’s the thing. I find that my prayer life is directly related with how comfortable I am in my own skin with Jesus. When I’m feeling ashamed or prideful or separated from Him in any way, my prayer life suffers. I’ve discovered over the last few years that it is a pretty good indication of how intimate I’m allowing Him to be with me.
When I have created a gap in my relationship with Christ, He does not come catapulting over the divide to make me restore my relationship with Him. He lets me go…that’s what you do when you truly unconditionally love someone. Now, there are times, when you must fly in the face of the defenses of a sister or friend, because they are not there creating a gap they are a cry for help. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about that ever so intentional move on my part to shut Jesus out.
I hate that I do that.
And I’m working on it. With the help of some very real relationships in my life, I am working to understand first why it is I partition myself off acting like I want to just be alone. I don’t really want to be alone. I just don’t want to be hurt. And letting someone…anyone in, opens up room to be hurt. So I have to learn to trust Him all over again.
And I am.
It is amazing to me that I would cut myself off from this lifeline of conversation. Talking is my fav…I love to talk (and yes I do realize that is an understatement). So why would I stop the one conversation that never has to? I don’t know, I really don’t. Because it is amazing…it is changing my life. It is clearing the clouded rooms of my heart and helping me not only see Jesus more clearly and the plan He seems to have for me, but also helping me to encourage, support and intercede for others on a daily basis.
I shouldn’t be surprised by this…but I totally am.
He is moving in my spirit in a way I had forgotten was possible. He is revealing some of my stuff I didn’t even know I still had, and He is talking to me about it. Not in loud thunderclaps from heaven, but quiet moments by the fire. Those times when I actually stop…and listen to Him. He is also entrusting me with the responsibility of bringing those closest to me before His throne of grace and mercy and healing every day. And it’s incredible.
That’s the thing about prayer.