When I’m by myself

So, I’ve had some things rolling around for the last several days that I just haven’t been able to get into words. I’m not sure that they are all worked out exactly yet, but here it goes…

I am a people person…seriously. I like being with people as much as I like just about anything else in life. I have never wanted or felt like I needed to take a lot of time for myself. So I just don’t, ever.

I think there is more to it than that, though. The thing about it just being me is that I cannot allow myself to be distracted by…whatever. There is only honesty, truth and Jesus. And a lot of the time it isn’t pretty. In fact it’s down right messy, and I’d just rather not deal with it…so I go surround myself with people, I ask them how they are…and I really do care. I create conversation and make people laugh.

But when it’s just me and Jesus…when there is nothing to distract, I feel afraid. Like I’m not sure how to respond. I’m a pretty socially proficient and navigate well though an unbelievable amount of scenarios. But I am not proficient in my relationship with Jesus…or at least I don’t feel like I am.

So, He has created a time for us to be alone…regardless of how I feel about it at first. We’ve been seeing a lot more of each other lately.

He loves that.

I’m working on it.

I want to be close to Him…I really do. I’m just still learning how to do that without shutting down or pushing Him away. I’m reading every day (quite the feat if you know me at all). And I’m filling my prayers with the needs of others….which are great and important right now. Some of my dearest friends really need me to lay them before His throne of Grace and intercede on their behalf. But Jesus wants to talk to me about He and I…as much as He wants to talk about my loved ones.

So, here I sit.

Journal in hand…one that’s as unique as me. Hand made, from the pages to the binding, to the rust orange burlap cover and string with button to keep my thoughts tucked neatly away.

I’m more ready than I’ve ever been to hear from my Savior. It’s a bit scary, because I have no idea where He is about to take me. But I’m ready. And while I do not intend to hermit myself away sequestered from the things He has given me to do. I will spend time with Him. Time that is just for He and I. I will begin, once again, to pour out my heart to Him. It’s been awhile since our conversations were recorded with pen and ink…and it’s time for that part of the conversation to continue. Because there is amazing clarity…

when I’m by myself


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